I was actually surprised that I ended up rereading portions of Goldberg's "Writing Down the Bones," considering that the first time I read it, I actually did end up just reading through the entire thing by accident. I have no problem reflecting further upon it, because it really is a wonderful collection of short works, however this time I would like to reflect upon just one short section rather than, what I did last time, multiple sections. I want to do this in order to offer a deeper look into a certain chapter rather than try and juggle multiple sections to obtain some communal and cohesive meaning. The section that I am going to be investigating today is one that has been resonating with my heart lately during these cold and lonely winter months, being "Use Loneliness".
I suffer from what is known as SAD, or Seasonal Affective Disorder, meaning that during the late Fall and Winter months, I have depressive feelings and thoughts. At first, I always thought they were just the Winter blues, however after investigating the disorder and the fact that every Winter, I always get the same feelings, I concluded that I have SAD. Normally it's a feeling of loneliness that resonates through the colder months, making me feel absolutely disconnected from those around me, even those who during the warmer months I surround myself with intimately. Goldberg mentions this in the chapter, when she states that she "felt that [she] was the only person in the world who ever felt [loneliness]". That's typical of depressive feelings, as they leave us emotionally disconnected from the world around us, and just how she told her mentor Roshi that she would get interested in her loneliness and stop fighting it, it can be consuming and eat away both our time and our energy.
The passage that her mentor, Roshi, tells Goldberg when asked about if one would get used to loneliness is one of the most important passages of this chapter. Roshi states that "you don't get used to it. I take a cold shower every morning and every morning it shocks me, but I continue to stand up in the shower. Loneliness always has a bite, but learn to stand up in it and not be tossed away." This means that loneliness will always be horrible and cold and will make you feel distant, however you have the choice of sitting in that cold shower and letting the ice water run over the contours of your body and freeze you, or to stand up in that cold water and let it run over you, but stand triumphantly and don't let it consume you, body and soul.
Finally, the chapter concludes with a message of advice, as most of them do. However, most other chapters reflect a message of writing advice; this one is a great deal more personal. It might just be due to the emotional similarities that Goldberg and I share through this chapter, however I think it's something more.
"Use loneliness. Its ache creates urgency to reconnect with the world. Take that aching and use it to propel you deeper into your need for expression - to speak, to say who you are and how you care about light and rooms and lullabies."
Loneliness and negative emotions will forever live in my heart, and its existence is something that I can't help, but it's not something that I should just let consume me and cripple me. Loneliness, just like joy, is an emotion, usually one that drains and sighs your energy away, however it is an emotion, and a powerful one at that. I can't allow negative emotions to cripple me, but rather I need to express them in word form. I need to taste the bitterness of isolation so I can feel a kinship and compassion for all people who have been alone.
Art connects us, and so does loneliness.
How both ironic and cliché of me.
really great, well done
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